As an older sibling I feel like I have always had to be responsible. I took on a caring role quite early on. I have always wanted to set as positive an example as possible to my brother and sister. When I was younger it was taking the wrap for some mischief and always ensuring that mum and dad saw a clean house (most of the time).
These responsibilities started to internalize more as I got older. They became little rituals I would do to ensure that everyone around me was happy and smiling. It applied at home, at work, in relationships, in friendships and even when I was going out. I don’t even need to think about it so much anymore. I just take on what I think I can to make everyone happy. This didn’t work out so well last week.
You see, I have never been forced to do anything I do. They are my own expectations of myself. Whilst my family appreciate what I do they would never intentionally impose anything on me. I have had a lot of change happen in the last couple of weeks. Things that have been the same for a very long time began to shift. This to me is a trigger point for feelings of discomfort. In the past a loss of control in my life means that I would find something I could control and fixate on it. I don’t tell people when I start to do this.
I honestly do wish that I could be more open when I become anxious about something. Instead, I choose the isolation route. I kind of go into my own head and mentally try and balance everything going on without taking a second to speak it out. I lose sight of the things I am grateful for and it is at this point that I become very frustrated. This frustration, unfortunately, is taken out on my family usually. I get upset about things I have never voiced. I get annoyed about the responsibilities I have imposed and CHOSEN to do.
On Thursday I started to reach a tipping point. I could feel myself being very internally frustrated and I knew it would only take one little thing to make me get emotional. I felt like I was just kind of floating around. I wasn’t present in the tasks I was doing. I had let myself emotionally distance myself from my loved ones all because I was too scared to share what I was thinking. In my head my thoughts just sounded ridiculous and the idea of even saying them out loud frightened me.
I knew I needed to speak out loud about my thoughts on Thursday but I decided to delay it. On Friday morning I had work. Again I didn’t feel present. It annoyed me because I really wanted to be in that room interacting with the staff and clients properly but I just couldn’t give them the joy they needed and that I always love giving.
In the afternoon I knew needed to snap out of it. I was fortunate enough to catch up with a beautiful person who just let me openly speak. She also shared her thoughts. To me it seems that from day to day everyone looks like they are mostly okay. It is an incredible skill to be able to mask feelings. The people that appear so joyous all the time could be going through immense heartbreak and the outside world may not even know it.
The girl I caught up with always appears to have it together, but to hear her openly share the frustration of her week was just what I needed. It put into context that no person’s life is perfect, even if it appears that way. We are all on our own journey. It can be easy to compare our lives to those of others that we see. But we can’t truly know what anyone is really going through.
I have always said that in any relationship I am in that I just want to be myself. Whether that be at work or in my more personal relationships. My thoughts, feelings of concern and feelings of sadness all make me the person that I am. I am not happy all the time.
Life is a voyage of self discovery. To me, to be enlightened is to go within and to know who and what we really are, and to know that we have the ability to change for the better by loving and taking care of ourselves. – Louise Hay.
Sometimes opening up about these dark secrets can be extremely liberating. Sharing can be a beautiful way to work through emotions. I feel blessed every day to have people in my life that I love and know I can trust. Sharing deep emotions is like sharing a piece of your heart. It brings you close to people. The more you keep it to yourself the less you will be able to connect with others.
The relationship we have with ourselves is essential to the relationships we have with others. If we can’t be open and honest then others won’t be able to be open and honest with us. Breaking down the walls, although terrifying, is truly beautiful.
To me, love is a deep appreciation. When I talk about loving ourselves, I mean having a deep appreciation for who we are. We accept all the different parts of ourselves—our little peculiarities, the embarrassments, the things we may not do so well, and all the wonderful qualities, too. – Louise Hay.
The lives we see publically on Instagram and in the media are only a small segment of their life. I think sometimes when I see some girls kicking ass in their careers with their amazing body that they could not hold any insecurity at all. I know that is so wrong. As Bruno so wisely put it to me over the weekend, everyone has insecurities but those who love you can’t see them if you hide them. We have to be open about our insecurities and know that if someone really cares about us that they won’t judge us. Rather they will be there to love and support us.
I believe that the ability to acknowledge our thoughts, articulate them and share them with others is a craft I believe. It is something I am still working on. I know that the way I feel is always valid. I need to love myself enough to know that. In my heart I know I am only human and can’t be ‘perfect’ by my standards all the time. What I need to learn is that it is OKAY not to have it together all the time. I am perfect the way I am in my own way.
You are perfect as you are, right here and right now. You are sufficient. You are one with all of Life. – Louise Hay.