I am going to start off by saying that I am not really an emotional person. I don’t cry very often at all…with the last couple of weeks as the exception. Typically, I do quite well at resisting my emotions in a physical sense. I will feel sadness, frustration and anger but I won’t generally let those emotions manifest as tears. On Monday I hit a low. I was just grumpy (and not a pleasant person to be around). I think that was the tipping point for the week that has followed…
A couple of nights ago I had what felt like an out of body experience. I literally just uncontrollably broke down in tears. The moment it happened I felt the biggest relief. It was like everything that I had bottled up just poured out.
A couple of weeks ago something similar happened on a walk with my mum but I didn’t let myself properly cry on that occasion. I thought I just needed to suck it up and deal with my problems. I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable and admit just how scared of the unknown I was. I felt like I had lost my way a bit. I had lost my faith with God and with others. I stopped looking for help and thought I could do everything on my own.
Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9
On the night of my crying episode I was in the kitchen with Bruno’s mum. We were having general conversation before it turned into a very deep philosophical discussion about our purpose on earth. She so eloquently pointed out that sometimes we do need to surrender to the situation we are in. We need to accept that things are the way they are. We can’t manipulate every situation we are in, we have to believe and have faith in God that things will always work out in the end. We have to relinquish control and hand things over to the higher power to guide us and put us on the right path. Sometimes we think that we know what is best for ourselves but I am beginning to see that isn’t really the case. We are all so divine and unique. There will never be another one of us on the planet. We may share similar experiences to others but the way that they manifest for us personally is never going to be the same. Therefore, we can never really know how things are going to pan out. We have to let God decide that. What is within our control is our ability to seek help. To ask questions. To pray. To have faith. It was at this point that I cried.
Now I have to point out that it was definitely not her intention to make me cry. She was just speaking broadly and what she said really resonated with me. What she said made me realise how controlling I have been. I haven’t trusted the situation I have been in. I haven’t sat with my emotions and tried to understand them. I have just swept them under the rug coining them as insignificant and not being conducive to achieving anything. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10.
I told my mum yesterday about what had happened and how I felt and she said to me “don’t forget that your nonnos are looking out for you too.” I often hear my mum tell stories of how she still talks with nonno and seeks his guidance when she needs it. My dad is always sharing stories about his dad too and I really think that his relationship with him definitely shapes the person he is today. I was close with both my grandfathers. Both of them were so kind and loving.
I lived with Nonno Aldo for a few years growing up. He would drive me to all my dancing lessons and pick me up from school every day (even if there was only one cloud in the sky). I remember one day I was really upset for some reason. He was driving me to dancing and I didn’t turn on the radio (something I always did). He said “you can talk to me, you tell me what is the matter.” It was in those conversations that I truly saw the love he had for me and will always have for me. Even though he can no longer guide me physically he can definitely help me more spiritually.
Over the last couple of days, I have felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am feeling more positive than I have in months. I feel inspired in the kitchen, I have been singing in the car again, I have gone back to pilates, I have started walking… I am Gel again.
Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the Lord your God who goes before you. he will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. – Deuteronomy 31:6,8.
In life we can’t control every single moment (as much as I think I would like to sometimes). We need to have faith in ourselves and the journey we are on but also trust that there is a higher power that knows what is best for us. The reason why we are challenged in our day to day lives isn’t because we aren’t loved or because things are meant to be difficult. Rather, it is the opposite. In order to grow as people, we need to face uncomfortable situations and be pushed to try new things. I know that it can be hard to see this when you’re in those down times, believe me.
The truth is I am scared as anything but I have chosen now to put my faith in God that he will put me on the path I am meant to be on. I have finally relinquished control. I am not going to try and be perfect at everything. It doesn’t matter if I embarrass myself, if things don’t go the way I want them too, I am going out with an open heart.
I don’t have all the answers and I never will. I feel like I am constantly learning. By documenting the lessons I learn and sharing them on my blog I hope to inspire you and make you feel like you’re not alone. We all go through hard times but what I really want you to remember (and for me to remember) is that we are not alone. There is a reason for every situation we are in. We need to have faith and take proactive steps towards our goals. With those two things in combination there is nothing we can’t do or get through.
Sweaty smiles because I am finally feeling like myself again!